you should be stronger than me...

 

So I was a bit erratic on my last post last year. wow. I was a mess and it took a long time to rebuild the pieces that were left into some sort of human being I claimed to be. But here I am broken again. Floating my way back to the place I love the most the place where I can say the most poetic poison.

So my boss and I have been getting close as close as friends can be in a working relationship. talking about sex, about life, about the past, about the universe and how we work together. I kept saying to myself don't get close, don't get close he will leave just like every other fuck boy. He sent me rude pictures and I let him. The worse thing is he has a girlfriend and I've been that girl what the hell am I doing. It feels like I have feelings for him when I'm alone at night but when we're at work I feel repulsed even by the thought of him looking at me in a way that isn't professional. telling me about his gf and the arguments they have just makes me want to physically be sick. What do you do when you think you can't live without someone and you are stuck in this position where he will never leave another woman for me. How selfish am I for saying that. Idk. How can someone be so oxymoronic? He buys me presents, he says if things were different we would be together and he says the most sweetest things and yet here I am completely broken by the whirlwind of guilt and need for him to care for me. Truly care for me when right now he's on holiday with her.

Worst of all he's put me in a difficult position he promoted me as supervisor last year yet after he sent the pics he told me I was being made redundant and am forced to take a pay cut and lose my job I love. I just feel so used. How can I trust him or trust myself when we keep dancing with the devil and setting ourselves on fire.

You should be stronger than me
You've been here seven years longer than me
Don't you know you supposed to be the man?
Not pale in comparison to who you think I am
You always want to talk it through, I don't care
I always have to comfort you when I'm there
But that's what I need you to do, stroke my hair
'Cause I've forgotten all of young love's joy



ER
xx

Survivor vs Victim...

Everything has happened all at once, a friend died from work and then my grandad died and then my boyfriend split up with me an hour ago. And my fucking god it hurts! I feel like I'm at rock bottom (I was at rock bottom before the break up but now I'm drowning.

I just want the ground to swallow me up even better kill me as well. I just want to die. I want the pain to end and to be free.

Feeling so so shitty right now. I need a glimmer of hope. Please.

All my love,
ER
xx

Lonely...

I find I'm struggling with life my job sucks my relationship sucks and everything else sucks. I feel depression deep inside of me. Crying and laying in bed feels so comforting right now. I don't want to do anything I do want to feel anything I just want to be. I feel so overwhelmed I just want to crawl into a ball and forget about my shitty life. I know I'm just shit to be around just utterly utterly shit. No wonder my boyfriend doesn't touch me or says anything nice to me I'm just so ugly and disappointing. Some days I think I'm better off dead.


 







ER
xx

Where are you now that I need you...

So after my stint in hospital I decided to join the gym to sort my health out. Got myself a personal trainer who turned out to be a dick but when are they not? V. rare to find a good pt that doesn't want to get into your knickers lol I didn't go to the gym to lose weight which I normally would of I decided to get my fitness levels up and start lifting weights. I havent really looked back since I still have moments when I look at my thighs and think shit these are huge or are too curved. I think it takes a long time to be happy with your body but when you get there you just thing some things in life are more important like your health!!

...
So there have been a few guys on the scene yes I know surprise surprise. I think have the worst luck with men I really need an ex to say what I'm doing wrong they seem to just walk all over me. I find that I have a good time getting to know them for a couple of months and then they either ignore me or call it a day. Like this one guy I was seeing he just said he was going Canada for work and that was it not like I want someone to hold back on their ambitions but I have just wasted 4 months of my life talking to him. That's time I'll never get back! People don't realise how precious time is and there is nothing worse than wasting your time on someone who doesn't give a fuck about you. Girl got shit to do!!


ER
xx

I don't know if you notice anything missing...

Sorry I have neglected this for half a year. How time flies! I'm well I'm alive that's the main thing times have been hard but at least I have come out the other end. I had The most awful start to the year! I was in hospital with severe stomach ache. After years of starving myself restricting what types of foods I allowed myself I have well and truly damaged my body. Going from vegan to a meat eater, introducing dairy products into my diet has been the hardest thing. My eating disorder took being normal away from me. Now I love going to restaurants and eating out I finally can look at a menu and not be bothered if its topped with cheese or if I fancy some chocolate I can allow myself to eat it. One food I have left that I dont touch still is potatoes. I don't know why it is potatoes I think my brain still needs to hold onto something that satisfies the remaining thoughts of my eating disorder. I've come a long way from the origins of this blog hopefully the next few posts will detail how I have managed to change my life around.

All my Love,

ER

xx

Fink - This Is The Thing

who do you turn to when your family is miles away,
you have no boyfriend,
you have no real best friend??

I feel like my head is going to explode.
Or burst into floods of tears.

I REALLY REALLY CANT COPE.
ER
xx