Everything is so fragile and I'm powerless to stop it shattering into a million tiny pieces.
please dont leave me

Hold still right before we crash 'cause we both know how this ends A clock ticks 'til it breaks your glass and I drown in you again...

Being on the dating website paid off. I'm now seeing someone. So close to being bf anf gf  but not quite and I think I like that. That were taking things slow. I went back home on wednesday and we met up. We went for a meal and it was such a good date we weren't having the awkwardness or silences that people may have when they meet for the first time. We just got on maybe coz weve been skyping for so long Idk we ended it with a bit of a kiss and a touch up haha.
Then the next day I went to his and I'd been there for an hour and we had sex. Not that I didn't want to he was just a bit rough and it hurt so much we never had sex properly because it hurt me. Not even after the first attempt did it stop hurting. I felt so annoyed I've no idea why it hurts so much? I felt like I'd disappointed him. But at the same time I wish he had been more gentle with me. But we watched a film and cuddled in bed and the next day virtually the same. We walked around a resovoir near him which was beautiful. I really love being near water and being with him made me feel like I could  freeze time or bottle the moment forever. Just me and him.
...
But now I'm back at uni and it took me like 6 hrs last night to get here and the darkness is creeping in I just wanna get my work done. Don't even care if its shit it's such a nightmare to do. I feel the darkness and doubt creeping in. Surely this doesn't happen to me. It will go as soon as it came. How can anyone love me...

ER
xx

I just can't kick the habit...

I've been online dating and I've been hurt and I have fallen for people who have essentially fucked me over. I dont know whether its me or whether its them?
...
I have had the week from hell. I dont even know where to start but this week will be better.
I'm hoping so anyway...
...
I think I'm falling in love.

ER
xx

Capricious...

...A sudden change in behaviour.

I learnt this word ages ago and did a blog draft. It's pretty applicable to most of my days atm. I feel ok one minute laughing, joking and smiling then I feel so so depressed I literally could jump out of the window. One minute I could cry with hopelessness and the next cry with laughter. I just don't know where I am whether I'm strong or weak, happy or sad, lost or found. I just know its uneasy atm I feel like I'm on a sheet of ice and anything could happen depends how heavy things get and whether I'm enough to break everything and go tumbling into the freezing depths of the ocean...

There's something amazing about the ocean, the fact you look into it and there isn't an end.

You’re like the ocean
Pretty enough on the surface
But dive deep into your depths
You’ll find beauty most people never see




Keep your heart strong,
ER
xx

Misery...

I think I've hit a new low...
I cry most days hard to manage to get out of bed face the days tasks. Basically don't wanna interact or be with people or even step foot outta my room. I just feel so depressed you've no idea. It's everlasting felt like this for about a week now.
...
I signed up to a dating agency online. Met some interesting people! I think I like this one guy but I fear I like him more than he likes me. Always happens. I haven't saved his number and deleted his texts this morning. I just can't cope seeing he hasn't text :(
I don't think I can ever be happy. Ever. I'm destined to be unhappy...
...
Lee added me on twitter which I blocked him. He only had two tweets and both of them was from this whore doing porn basically. I was just like how did I ever like you. You are disgusting! Really can't cope with him atm.
...
Worked nearly 11 hours yesterday. Hate life.
I'm suicidal again. I can't bear the misery.





ER
xx

I officially resign from life...

Quit ma job today. Don't think just do.This isn't everything you are.
feeling pretty emotional at the moment. Feel teary most days and most days I want to just live. Die. Breathe. Repeat.
...
I've been talking to lee and he wants to come Thursday but he wants sex he said he would be dissappointed if we didn't but I do but I don't. I don't want it to mean nothing. I want to be something. I want to mean something to someone not just nothing a quick shag on a Thursday afternoon. That's not what I want to be remembered or defined as. Am I worth more than that? Or am I worth nothing? Torn.

ER
xx

I've had enough...

I'm restricting as of tomorrow. I hate being this weight and looking in the mirror and being so repulsed. I hate buying junk food everyday and feeling shit and bloated. It ends now.
ER
xx