Idk y that i've started to use album names now instead of lyrics i feel so drained so tired so empty to function
...
I didnt complete my 3 day fast , i saw Dr Kelly aka the prick that man annoys the hell outa me psychiatrist my ass!!!! He'll never help me.
...
Well its been tough these few days
really tough
arguements,tears,despair and just general shitness
im sick of hearing are u ok u look angry/depressed/miserable
just FUCK OFF!
im so sad
suicidal
i want to buy a knife or razor blades
i wish someone would care
one of these days im just guna walk into the road no looking back and it will hit me
xx
Thursday, 31 March 2011
Monday, 28 March 2011
Friday, 25 March 2011
Come around sundown...
Holding back the tears.
I've loss count of the people who have said i look upset this week.
I've loss count of the people who have said i look upset this week.
I'm juss so tired, so tired of this.
My horoscope in the metro keeps telling me to "live life" but its not my life to live its not the life i want or deserve.
I wish someone could help me take me away from this world, this pain, this feeling.
Even when the blood drips outta me i dont feel anything i jsut feel disgust that i cant even do that properly.
I want to live but idk how at the same time i contemptate suicide everyday.
Hope is fading fast.
The fog has blinded and choked me.
xx
Thursday, 24 March 2011
BRIAN! top marks for not trying...
I didnt eat for 2 days i survived just to be told i was a "fat oaf" by by sister yesterday.
FAT OAF:
1. A particular individual who sits around all day gaining weight, and who is moronic.
2. Someone who is very obese suffers eating problems.
3. An awkward stupid person
I binged yesterday it was horrible to have all that food churning and to feel full after 2 days empty beautiful starvation dizzyness thats what i love that feelin of just about to collapse like really shakey and its scares me sure but i hoped for everything to be taken away me dying like that is perfect but their aint no garantee.
I shuda pushed further its the longest ive gone without any food at all i've done liquid fasts but nothing like that. It's juss so much easier to just completely stop eating than restricting but then comes the flood of when u do it opens up a binge well for me anyway and i tried to purge but im stupid i dont do it properly so it hurts my throat but i dnt wanna do it properly at the same time.
...
Supersize v superskinny has been on tv n ive watched it n all the superskinnys have been eating really crap food but in small portions which is unfair if i did i would gain. It makes me sad tho that they only put on a bit after 3 months.
...
Im soo fed up with zainab she just irritates me sometimes its like in a morning there is nothing to our conversations idk its hard to explain but things are annoying atm maybe its me just being a cranky bitch. yep thats probs it.
...
Ever since farrah's news ive just been really sad its should have been me i nearly started crying in the library thats how much it upsets me when i think i could have lost u sweetheart. I love u so much.
...
Anyway i ve got a mahoosive too do list i keep forgetting it tho my minds totally on another planet atm. I need to see what the tests were for the bone scan doubt theyl b bad i wish they were. Its it so fucked up to want oesteoperosis? idk i just want a private trophy of my work well my body aint exactly guna b it not after FAT last time she upset me this bad i cut FAT in my arm. I dont wanna go back to school for economics i feel so shit and fed up.
... If any1 reads this can you tell me
1) how do i put a video on here
and
2) how do i change my blog bakground skin thing (bebo skins were the best) ive tried the templates but they are pretty boring u all have such wonderful cool backgrounds where are u finding these from!!! I bet its really obvious and im just a think shit if some1 cud tell me id b v gratetful!
xx
FAT OAF:
1. A particular individual who sits around all day gaining weight, and who is moronic.
2. Someone who is very obese suffers eating problems.
3. An awkward stupid person
I binged yesterday it was horrible to have all that food churning and to feel full after 2 days empty beautiful starvation dizzyness thats what i love that feelin of just about to collapse like really shakey and its scares me sure but i hoped for everything to be taken away me dying like that is perfect but their aint no garantee.
I shuda pushed further its the longest ive gone without any food at all i've done liquid fasts but nothing like that. It's juss so much easier to just completely stop eating than restricting but then comes the flood of when u do it opens up a binge well for me anyway and i tried to purge but im stupid i dont do it properly so it hurts my throat but i dnt wanna do it properly at the same time.
...
Supersize v superskinny has been on tv n ive watched it n all the superskinnys have been eating really crap food but in small portions which is unfair if i did i would gain. It makes me sad tho that they only put on a bit after 3 months.
...
Im soo fed up with zainab she just irritates me sometimes its like in a morning there is nothing to our conversations idk its hard to explain but things are annoying atm maybe its me just being a cranky bitch. yep thats probs it.
...
Ever since farrah's news ive just been really sad its should have been me i nearly started crying in the library thats how much it upsets me when i think i could have lost u sweetheart. I love u so much.
...
Anyway i ve got a mahoosive too do list i keep forgetting it tho my minds totally on another planet atm. I need to see what the tests were for the bone scan doubt theyl b bad i wish they were. Its it so fucked up to want oesteoperosis? idk i just want a private trophy of my work well my body aint exactly guna b it not after FAT last time she upset me this bad i cut FAT in my arm. I dont wanna go back to school for economics i feel so shit and fed up.
... If any1 reads this can you tell me
1) how do i put a video on here
and
2) how do i change my blog bakground skin thing (bebo skins were the best) ive tried the templates but they are pretty boring u all have such wonderful cool backgrounds where are u finding these from!!! I bet its really obvious and im just a think shit if some1 cud tell me id b v gratetful!
xx
Tuesday, 22 March 2011
Reading other peoples blogs makes mine really dull, oppresive and BORING! im v. surprised i have 36 followers :S
Anyhoo i fasted yest and today but i feel a real binge coming on i said in my last post i dont want to eat again and ive stuck to that but i hate craving all the shit food that spiralls and tempts me in my head. I wish i could just live off diet coke and sugar free gum. that would be bliss. :)
This morning walkiing to school me and zainab was talking about how to kill oneself and we listed the ways u can. I ended up coming to the conclusion that i dont have the balls to do any so does that mean i dont really want to die or that i am even more of a fucking waste of space?
I think i know the answer.
Chosen method would have to be umm idk its a cross between suffocating, hanging, jumpin off a fly over and getting run over but that aint really a sure way coz i dnt fancy ending up paralysed thanks. I just want to be dead.
Idk i just really want something quick, painless and sure fire way to complete the deed.
Thinking cap ahoy!
...
Opefully HMV has got mi sylvia plath dvd today ima treat myself to a ring from next -£7.50 which is money i shouldnt be spending also coz my last exam is in june i dont get ema for july gutted? MUCH !!! that means im guna av to get a job in the summer to pay for uni :( bad tyms or which i am actually seriously considering is applying for gameshows so i can hopefully win some wonga but im really unlucky.
xx
Anyhoo i fasted yest and today but i feel a real binge coming on i said in my last post i dont want to eat again and ive stuck to that but i hate craving all the shit food that spiralls and tempts me in my head. I wish i could just live off diet coke and sugar free gum. that would be bliss. :)
This morning walkiing to school me and zainab was talking about how to kill oneself and we listed the ways u can. I ended up coming to the conclusion that i dont have the balls to do any so does that mean i dont really want to die or that i am even more of a fucking waste of space?
I think i know the answer.
Chosen method would have to be umm idk its a cross between suffocating, hanging, jumpin off a fly over and getting run over but that aint really a sure way coz i dnt fancy ending up paralysed thanks. I just want to be dead.
Idk i just really want something quick, painless and sure fire way to complete the deed.
Thinking cap ahoy!
...
Opefully HMV has got mi sylvia plath dvd today ima treat myself to a ring from next -£7.50 which is money i shouldnt be spending also coz my last exam is in june i dont get ema for july gutted? MUCH !!! that means im guna av to get a job in the summer to pay for uni :( bad tyms or which i am actually seriously considering is applying for gameshows so i can hopefully win some wonga but im really unlucky.
xx
Monday, 21 March 2011
My time is up...
THE END:
im not suppose to eat dinner, im not suppose to have a tyre of FAT around my stomach, im not suppose to look more pregnant than my actual pregnant sister, im not suppose to weigh more than her, im not suppose to wear my now tight size 8 clothes coz im anorexic right????
I'm fasting today maybe tomorrow maybe forever i want to die. I sat in psychology nearly crying i'm so depressed atm i just cant face the pressure of these next few months so i dont want them to happen i cant cope. I just want to curl up in a ball and die.
- either extremity of something that has length
- the concluding parts of an event or occurrence
- goal: the state of affairs that a plan is intended to achieve and that (when achieved) terminates behavior intended to achieve it; "the ends justify the means"
- put an end to.
im not suppose to eat dinner, im not suppose to have a tyre of FAT around my stomach, im not suppose to look more pregnant than my actual pregnant sister, im not suppose to weigh more than her, im not suppose to wear my now tight size 8 clothes coz im anorexic right????
I'm fasting today maybe tomorrow maybe forever i want to die. I sat in psychology nearly crying i'm so depressed atm i just cant face the pressure of these next few months so i dont want them to happen i cant cope. I just want to curl up in a ball and die.
"Every living creature on earth dies alone"
Sunday, 20 March 2011
I cannot get enogh of her..
I heard that you're settled down,
That you found a girl and you're married now,
I heard that your dreams came true,
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you,
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light,
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,
Never mind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah,
You know how the time flies,
Only yesterday was the time of our lives,
We were born and raised in a summer haze,
Bound by the surprise of our glory days,
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,
Never mind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Nothing compares,
No worries or cares,
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made,
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Those words are soo true it always makes me cry im crying rite now things are a bit too much rite now. I feel terrible i look terrible and i cant stop wanting to be someone else for this to be over a period of my life to forget and start over. I hate who i am i just wana be somebody better,thinner,stronger,more intellegent,prettier and somebody more worthy of the air that im breathing.
Feel free to turn me off now coz idk if i can make it thru the week it might save you time to give to other people. I dnt want the guilt of it please please please just take me ...
That you found a girl and you're married now,
I heard that your dreams came true,
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you,
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light,
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,
Never mind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah,
You know how the time flies,
Only yesterday was the time of our lives,
We were born and raised in a summer haze,
Bound by the surprise of our glory days,
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,
Never mind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Nothing compares,
No worries or cares,
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made,
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Those words are soo true it always makes me cry im crying rite now things are a bit too much rite now. I feel terrible i look terrible and i cant stop wanting to be someone else for this to be over a period of my life to forget and start over. I hate who i am i just wana be somebody better,thinner,stronger,more intellegent,prettier and somebody more worthy of the air that im breathing.
Feel free to turn me off now coz idk if i can make it thru the week it might save you time to give to other people. I dnt want the guilt of it please please please just take me ...
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