Pretend it doesn't...

I went to London on Friday for the test hair and make up.It was good but it wasn't for what I was actually doing it was for a catwalk show for fall 13 not SS 13 so I wasn't pleased. The person messed me about saying travel expenses wasn't paid for which was too late as I'd already booked my ticket and then the following morning I had an email saying don't bother coming as we've found a local girl even when she knew I'd bought my tickets so in the end I went and the designer didn't even acknowledge me. Not until my make-up was applied and then she introduced herself. No thanks for coming all the way for modelling for her with no thanks or pay completely off my own back. To top things off her designer friend was emailing me wanting me or a friend to do another test shoot. No chance. I understand how models become so bitchy and depressed its ruthless and you don't get acknowledged or treated other than an inanimate object. You may as well be a mannequin.
...
So I went to Brighton today to a Vintage fair was really shit. Rained all the way so vile. I love being near the sea but the weather made me feel awful so hopeless so miserable.
...
I have a crush on a guy that works at a bar here. He has the most amazing smile. I don't wanna think about him but I can't stop! I don't wanna
...
I have a job offer but its only for 5 hours on a Saturday I dunno whether is worth it it means I cant go home because I'll have a job. I miss my dog and niece too much. but I need the money. I am so torn atm :(

All my love,
ER
xx

I think my head is going to explode/implode...

Told Lee to fuck off today. He asked why I ignored his booty call. i said it was because he ignored me then we argued and he didn't even apologise. So I told him to fuck off. I wont ever talk to him again. I dunno if I'm sad/angry by this I just feel awful. I would never dream of speaking to anyone like that but he just uses me so much and doesn't even care. I hate myself for being so mean but I was so frustrated with his nonchalance and how he doesn't give a shit when I do.
...
I have a model test shoot tomorrow at a leading UK hair salon but I can't afford to go. I keep binging and I've literally spent over £200 this week on food and just shit. I need to stop myself. have proper meals but I just cant its either binge or binge and eat a weeks worth of food in a couple of hours.
I just booked my travel spur of the moment watch her say no actually its not covered! :( Life just will do that to me I know it will.
...
Counselling today was interesting. I told her that I haven't got the energy to even wash any more. I can't remember the last time I had a shower neither can I remember the last time I actually cared how I looked. I say fuck it more and more often these days. I've become a vile human and I hate myself.
ER
xx

I'm already dead...

Monotonous crap. All I wanna do is crawl back into bed and forget about all the problems in my head. I just don't feel alive. the psychic said I need energy and I should do whatever it takes to make me feel more energized but I can't. I am gunna quit the gym I think I just can't bring myself to do it anymore. It makes me feel like shit that I cant exercise in the way that I want to.

If you could tell a younger you what would you say?
I would say don't take anything for granted. Make sure you utilise your abilities. Don't get caught by boys. They are just totally not worth the head fuck. And most importantly don't develop any mental health problems it will change you in a way that makes you a horrible bitter person.

All my love,
ER
xx

I've got burnt...

yet again.
I don't understand why I do it every time it ends in tears. I vow never to go back there again and then a month later it happens. I wish I could stop. I wish I could defy the force of the polar opposites that are dragging us back together and say no not again, not this time. I don't know why I don't learn. I remember how hurt I was last time yet I still play with fire and subsequently get burnt. I'm kindling and my hands should be unusable by now.
















ER
xx

TUNE!!!!!

Lithium..

DON'T you remember...

I went to see a psychic today one of the most surreal experiences of my life. Hopefully for the better.
he talked about me straight away. I had prescription drugs surrounding me. I have an exterior of a mouse but I really am a Lion.
I'm a spinning top that is out of control and I don't have any positive energy.
So many things my head is full.
So full.

xx