I know. I know...

Last night was shambolic. Apparently that's not a word but oh well.
My head was just pounding with paranoia, depression and this overwhelming suicidal sadness which I remember painfully.
I don't do it on purpose. Even tho I know I'm doing it I don't mean to turn into a monster.

• you have emotions that are up and down (for example, feeling confident one day and feeling despair another), with feelings of emptiness and often anger
• you find it difficult to make and maintain relationships
• you have an unstable sense of identity, such as thinking differently about yourself depending on who you are with
• you take risks or do things without thinking about the consequences
• you harm yourself or think about harming yourself (for example, cutting yourself or overdosing)
• you fear being abandoned or rejected or being alone
• you sometimes believe in things that are not real or true (called delusions) or see or hear things that are not really there (called hallucinations).

I need something. I want help but I don't. I don't know any more what I want. I emailed my counsellor some use! I hate talking to her it feels like textbook answers and I hate that. I might just tell her that. But that undermines everything. The whole counsellor job. 

I'm eating so so much. I eat a lot but I'm trying my hardest to eat little and often maybe that's why it's stressing me out. I feel full which is disgusting. But I just weighed myself and I'm okay. Not gained. Thankfully it needs to fucking stay that way. I'm already incredibly ugly! I don't need ripples of fat as well.

I'm modelling tomorrow. Looking forward to the distraction.  I keep telling myself to be normal act normal because I feel so far from it.

All My black and white love,

ER

xx

you have won, you can go ahead tell them...

Tell them I was happy,
And my heart is broken,
All my scars are open...

It's back.
I feel it.
I felt you creeping up on me you fingertips on my eyelids. You told me to hush.
I recognised your voice like an imprinted memory.


The sinking feeling came, you were behind me I was in front of you. That's new. It didn't feel right. With a knife to my neck. I'm never going to escape you again. I know.
I feel ur lips oh your lips.
The cold touch revives me. I'm yours.
Then you hit. My skull so bursting with thoughts I cannot hear.
Your me and I'm not me.
Am I?

ER
xx

vulgar...

I want to fuck you.
Simple as that.
I want you inside me and I want to be naked in front of you. I want to be filled with desire just to be wanted by you.
I want you to undo my clothes and take off my underwear and enter me.
I just want to have sex with you.
right? this is what people do no strings fun
But really I just want the emptiness to go and my libido to calm the fuck down.
And I want to stop feeling sick and doing this weird eye thing I keep doing Where I go all dizzy and feel like I'm gunna pass out.
I'm nothing. I can't even get you to want me. I can't persuade you to have sex with me even though I've been texting you shit all night.

I hate myself this existence is horrible.
I'm vulgar.
xx

give me love...

I woke up at 2 am. I wasn't going back to sleep.
I kept thinking over and over about you.
Replaying that night.
Me and you. Wanting to tear the clothes off each other. Burning to be in bed together.
You didn't want me. There's something wrong with me. Why didn't you want me?
I'm not good enough for you.
I'll never be good enough for anyone.
I'm broken.
I hate myself.
You make me doubt myself. Every single thing about me I hate because you don't like. I can't stop thinking about you with other people and it makes me want to jump straight outta this window...

ER
xx

where there is a flame someone's bound to get burnt...

Don't get attached to people coz they will fuck you over*

*fuck other people.


xx

Try...

I'm sorry I left and left angry.
I'm ok.
Nearly submitted my first assignment for uni. This time last year I would have been facing the prospect of going home for good and working out what the hell I was gunna do with my life and here I am living the dream.
I should be happy right?
Sometimes I feel I am hollow.
I have nothing to define me.

I'm going back home to work. I've literally eaten all of my student loan like an idiot.
Nearly done my xmas shopping only gotta get my mums now.
...
I had to change my url so he couldn't find me. C was stalking me. He used to text and email me about the stuff I wrote on here. So I couldn't blog.
I had a hard time without it but like all things...you just get used to it. :(
I dunno whether I need this any more. I am growing up slowly but I guess it could all be taken away from me any time and I would need it.
..
Any way I'll leave you with some pics of myself looking gothic am I growing up?...

All my love,

ER

xx