We are like roses that have never bothered to bloom when we should have bloomed and it is as if the sun has become disgusted with waiting.
Charles Bukowski
I'm leaving YOU behind.
I'm not sorry i'm GLAD.
You've held me back for too long.
I want to survive and i cant with YOU.
You hurt me.
Probably beyond repair.
But i'm still here.
So fuck you!
A fresh start. A fresh me.
Without your poison.
It's me aganist them and i dont need your help anymore.
I'm stronger, better, braver than what you made me.
"The only thing that was ever ugly about me was you"
I have a beautiful niece!
:D maybs put a pic up later.
I was there at the birth and it all happened so so fast. 1.31am 12th sept on her due date i cant believe it!
For the first time even i cried tears of joy. It was a WOW moment hehe
All her clothes are too big for her even though shes a healthy weight.
Shes got these adorable bumble bee pyjamas. Aww its lovely. I got my sister some flowers coz babys middle name is a flower. Not rose but it should be lol. I'm thinking of taking some red roses to uni just that it will cheer me up. I could look at them all day long so delicate and vivid. Full of life.
I think i should of been a florist instead, it was always my back up plan, maybs one day i'll own a boutique in paris that just sells expensive roses and beautiful vintage clothes. Wow i love that idea.
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My "dad" spolied it for me tho shouting at me through the phone all the names under the sun. I hate him.
What an absolute waste of space. The only thing that was ever wrong with me was him.
...
I finsihed work :) twas sad really gunna miss every1 they were like a family to me i could always have a laugh with them. And they really made me feel sane. I got 2 cards, a diary and some chocolates it was soooo nice of them. Guna miss richard my supervisor and tbh im guna miss self scan bitch and putting the fags out. That was defo the best job haha idk why just that everything was ordered and idk i just liked it. I think i'm weird haha
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I've finally got all my stuff for uni bar a bag. I cant believe i ant got one! I'm like the queen of bags. I put way too much crap in them so all of them are damaged and i want a new un. Think i mite treat myself to RI :)
Got to do some paperwork and get things together. I'm so nervous i dnt think i'm guna like it tbh i wont make friends they'll all hate me and think i'm boring.
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Went out out last nite wasn't as pissed as id like to have been :P. And i didnt get to have a cheeky dance with a stranger so that made me bummed out. But im really really gunna miss the girls they are so funny absolutely love my friends. I'm going out again tho to say gdbye to work ppl on thurs but were going to adams work i hope to god i dont see him. I'm dying to see him yet i dont want to see him knowing that i'm not good enough for him and way out of his league. damn hes so sexy!! haha
oh well
much love everyone idk why but i think ive lost some blogs so if im nt following gimmie a link to ur blog n ill follow youhoo :)
xx
It just HIT me and i froze.
The fimilar intro.
The rush of emotion despair,love,hate longing.
I loved him so much
That song. It was so perfect for us.
I've tried not to think about him in a long time. Yet i still get shaken by that song.
It makes me cry everytime it comes on the radio and i get our relationship crumbling to nothing.
It was one of those 'i'll love you forever whenever you hear it songs'. Now i cant bear to even say his name.
I never thought i'd get even 1 person to follow my blog.
I've hit the 50 followers mark!
Wow thanks to anyone who has ever read or commented on my little blog.
It means alot.
Thankyou.
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I'm a little overwhelmed... uni stuff is so confusing and i know i'm guna miss something vital or something that i should of done.
Very stressed atm.
Anyway less than a week left of work thankgod!!!
working 12-8.30 ugh major cba
...
much love
englishrose
xx
I'm exhausted. The state of being exhausted; extreme fatigue
To wear out completely.
To drain of resources or properties; deplete.
I'm exhausted from working.
I work in a supermarket where its cold like the arctic cold.
I keep saying to my manager i need a fleece but he doesn't care. Instead yesterday he said "everytime i see you you always look miserable" well yeh i do coz im fucking working here. Self scan bitch driving me insane and shivering beyond control. I think i have raynauds. So it makes things worse. So i've got really bad cold from that. I feel like i've been hit with a brick and my face is swollen. I'm really bunged up. Really really not well today or yest. I feel like shit.
I came home and my mum had made celery soup so i was putting that out but the saucepan is really heavy and i cant lift it and so i was like mum can you help me. But then my sister starts shouting saying shes having her dinner and not everything is about you!!!
yet she lets mum put out her dinner. ARGH shes a dick i hate her. So i looked at this soup and thought fuck this. Instantly i was transported back to that 16year old refusing dinnerstormed up to my room. Thinking im not hungry so dont eat you can do a fast today. Dont do it the voice boomed in my head. In the end i forced myself to have a sandwich. That should i shouldn't i feeling returned.
I've lost my appetite thank god and i couldnt taste my morning diet coke so i was like whats the point in eating today? New month new diet? Thin for uni??
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I've got leeds today after i go to the bank great i hate those kinda things they just confuse me with big words. I haven't filled out my food diary or rule challenge sheet so idk whether to lie or to say i didnt do it :S Someone said to me i should lie. She is a bad influence i keep deleting her but idk i dnt wanna b cruel you know?
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So after my break down with tea i was in tears. So i rang the most important person in my life. My best friend Zainab. Annd she hasnt got a room in halls at a diff uni near me so idk if shes going or not. Im really down about that coz i cannot survive without her. Plus its just gunna b shit on her and i dont want her to miss out.
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I watched a 9/11 programme last nite bwt the fire service andd it makes me hate myself that i'm still here when i dont deserve or want to be but people more worthy died that day. It tears me apart that i'm such an ungreateful person and im here. I shouldnt be. If i could swap with anyone i would. I'm sorry for being here.
I cant stop crying just now i'm welling up. I'm a mess a snivelling teary mess.
